Emotions are an essential part of the human experience, thus learning how to manage them is one of the most valuable skills for children to develop. Emotional regulation, the ability to understand, express, and manage emotions effectively, is not a skill that kids are born with. It’s a skill that develops over time and this development requires guidance, patience, and consistent caregiver support.
Parents play a crucial role in shaping their child’s emotional development. Through daily interactions, responses to a child’s feelings, and the emotional environment created at home, parents help set the foundation for how their child learns to cope with stress and regulate their emotions.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation involves helping children learn how to recognize their emotions, express them appropriately, and recover from moments of distress or heightened feelings. It’s about building the ability to take a moment to reflect and make thoughtful choices rather than reacting impulsively. This skill allows children to feel comfortable with their emotions instead of being overwhelmed by them.
Emotional regulation is not the same as compliance or self-control. A child sitting quietly might look regulated, but if they are silently boiling with anxiety or distress, they’re not truly self-regulating, they’re just suppressing. Effective emotional regulation involves managing both external behaviours and one’s internal emotional state.
Why Emotional Regulation Matters
Decades of research have shown that emotional regulation supports children’s success across many areas of life, academic achievement, social relationships, mental health, and physical well-being. Children who can self-regulate are better equipped to cope with challenges, interact positively with others, and feel confident in themselves.
Difficulties in emotional regulation can lead to behavioural difficulties, social withdrawal, and thus challenges in school or other social settings. These difficulties are especially common in young children whose brains are still developing, or in children with developmental and/or neurological disorders.
The Role of Parents: Emotional Coaching in Action
Supportive parental strategies, such as acknowledging and validating children’s feelings, guiding them to healthy coping strategies, encouraging healthy emotional expression and regulation, or modelling effective emotional behaviour. In contrast, dismissive responses can make children feel unsure or ashamed of their emotions, which can lead to an increase in behavioural issues in the long run.
Here are some core parenting strategies that promote emotional regulation:
Validation: Help Them Feel Seen
When your child is upset, an effective first step can often be to validate their feelings. Rather than jumping into problem-solving or dismissing their emotions (“You’re fine!”), try to first pause and show empathy. Try to identify possible reasons they might be feeling that way and discuss this with them. Even if the reason may not appear logical, it is crucial to work through it with your child to understand the root of the problem. This not only soothes the immediate distress but also builds emotional literacy.
Modelling Healthy Behaviours
Children are always watching and learning. Your ability to stay calm during stressful moments teaches them how to behave while experiencing their own moments of stress. Using healthy coping tools like deep breathing, naming your emotions, or taking a break when you feel overwhelmed, models to children how they should behave themselves. The more they see it, the more they’ll try to replicate it.
Encourage the Pause
Teaching your child to pause and take a moment before reacting can be very effective. A “pause” can help the child’s brain shift out of fight-or-flight mode and give space for reflection. A parent can model this by saying, “Let’s take a few deep breaths before we try to figure this out together.”
Label Emotions
Children often struggle to understand, identify, and name what they’re feeling. The use of visual tools like emotion wheels or social stories can help them start to learn emotional vocabulary. Asking children to point to or describe how they feel, then reinforcing it by using those words in your conversations with them, is an effective strategy for assisting children to understand emotional experiences.
For more information on emotion wheels, follow this link: https://blog.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel
Create a Calm Environment
Understanding a child’s stressors is key. Stressors are often things like new situations, unfamiliar people, and hunger, but the possibilities are endless and are dependent on the child. Pay attention to the situations that cause your child to become overwhelmed and adjust the environment where possible.
Watch for Signs of Stress
Children can express stress in very different ways, one may become restless and defiant, while another may go quiet or seem overly sensitive. Instead of seeing these behaviours as irregular, try to understand them as signs your child is struggling to self-regulate.
Teach Emotional Tools
Introduce coping strategies to help your child manage big feelings. These might include:
- Physical outlets: Dance, sports, walks
- Mental breaks: Puzzles, colouring, calming music
- Sensory activities: Slime, crunchy snacks, nature sounds
- Positive self-talk: “I can do this,” or “I am strong”
- Social support: Talking to a trusted adult or friend
Together, build a “toolbox” your child can use when they’re dysregulated.
Structure, Routine, and Consistency
Children often thrive on predictability. Keeping consistent routines and setting clear expectations can reduce anxiety and help them feel comfortable. Combine this with healthy sleep, nutrition, and regular physical activity to support their overall emotional balance.
Support, Don’t Control
Emotional regulation is not about controlling behaviour through bribes or threats, rather it’s about helping children manage their internal world. Supporting children through tough moments with kindness and understanding, and offering guidance rather than punishment, provides chances for growth and learning instead of hindering development.
What If Progress Feels Slow?
It’s completely normal for growth in self-regulation to come in waves. One day a child might use their coping tools flawlessly, and the next they might seem to forget them entirely. This doesn’t mean what you’re doing isn’t working, it means your child is still learning, and that takes time, just like learning to ride a bike or read a book.
Setbacks are not failures. They’re opportunities to return to the tools, reinforce your support, and show your child that mistakes are part of growth. The key is consistency, providing a reliable emotional environment where your child knows they can safely express themselves without fear of judgment or punishment.
When to Seek Additional Support
If your child is regularly struggling to manage their emotions in ways that interfere with their daily life, social interactions, or academic performance, it might be helpful to speak with a professional such as a child psychologist, counsellor, or occupational therapist. Children with neurodevelopmental differences, such as autism or ADHD, may need more specialized strategies, and that’s okay.
As a parent, you don’t need to have all the answers, you just need to be willing to listen, learn, and collaborate with others to help your child thrive.
A Message of Encouragement
Parenting is challenging, especially when it involves helping your child manage big feelings or meltdowns. But every time you respond with compassion instead of anger, every time you sit with your child through the hard moments instead of brushing them aside, you are teaching them something powerful: that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they are capable of working through them.
Emotional regulation is not just a skill children need, it’s a gift that helps them succeed in school, build meaningful relationships, and grow into strong, reflective adults. And it starts with you.
Final Thoughts: Emotional Growth Takes Time
Learning to regulate emotions is a lifelong journey, and children will need different levels of support at different stages. What matters most is that you’re showing up with empathy, curiosity, and the willingness to help them navigate their emotional world. Through patience and practice, you’ll not only support your child’s development, but you’ll also strengthen your relationship with them along the way.
By investing time and care into your child’s emotional regulation now, you’re helping build a resilient, emotionally intelligent, and confident individual for the future.
References:
Boulton, D. (2013). Emotional Regulation. Qxplore. https://qxplore.com/fall-2014/
Buss, K. A. (2024, June 17). Different strategies help children to navigate emotions. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/growing-hearts-and-minds/202406/the-role-parents-play-in-shaping-childrens-emotion-regulation
Krilis, G. (2020). A Parent’s Guide: Supporting Your Child’s Self-Regulation. Western University. https://www.uwo.ca/fhs/lwm/teaching/dld2_2020_21/Krilis_dld2.pdf
Marie, S. (2024). Emotion Regulation Techniques for Parents. Starling Community Services. https://starlingcs.ca/blog/2023/emotion-regulation-techniques-for-parents
Salamon, M. (2024, April 3). Co-regulation: Helping children and teens navigate big emotions. Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/co-regulation-helping-children-and-teens-navigate-big-emotions-202404033030
Weir, K. (2023). How to help kids understand and manage their emotions. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/emotion-regulation
Willis, T. (2022). Parenting Tips: Promoting and Reinforcing Emotional Regulation Skills. Qxplore. https://qxplore.com/spring-2022/