When someone who we are close to experiences the loss of a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say or how to help. Often people may not say anything at all, fearful that they will say the wrong thing, or they may try to cheer the person up or offer advice on how to cope. Sometimes we resort to clichéd responses, such as “Time heals all wounds.” These responses can communicate that we know how the other person feels when in reality we have not given him or her the chance to express unique and individual feelings. Sometimes we might feel that we need to offer answers to the bereaved, but it is more about our availability to share the person’s thoughts and feelings that make a difference. The following are some guidelines on how to offer support:
- Don’t say “Call Me if you need anything.” This is a vague offer, which communicates that you hope the person won’t actually contact you. Instead, offer specific help. Take initiative to call the mourner with offers such as “What night can I bring over dinner this week?”
- Don’t say “I know how you feel.” Every person’s grief experience is their own. Instead, invite the mourner to share his or her own feelings. It can be helpful (in moderate amounts) to talk about your own losses and how you adapted to them.
- Don’t say “Time heals all wounds.” Grief is an active, non-linear process. Instead, expect that the mourner may experience future rough spots for months after the loss. Some of these hard times may be triggered by events such as anniversaries and birthdays, which happen throughout the year.
Plan to listen 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time. Sometimes the mourner may not want conversation at all, but will be happy to have companionship in silence. It is not about saying the right thing to make the person feel better, but rather about communicating in other ways that we are there for that person, are willing to listen to what he or she has to say, and will accept his or her own unique grief process. Sometimes it can be difficult to support others, particularly if we are overwhelmed with stress ourselves, or find that we are dealing with our own painful feelings of loss. In these instances it is often helpful to seek counseling from a therapist who can provide us with support and assist us with supporting our loved ones.
*Adapted from Lessons of Loss: A Guide To Coping by Robert Neimeyer