Life is ultimately about our relationships – at home – friends, family, and children – and at work – colleagues, bosses. Maintaining important relationships requires both time and emotional energy – and, at the end of the day, it may often seem that we don’t have enough of either. For most of us, work and kids top-the list for obvious reason, which may commonly result in a lack of energy directed towards the maintenance of our other significant relationships, like the one we have with our spouse.
And though we may understand that no relationship is perfect, under stress, we tend to magnify the things that we perceive are barriers to our own happiness, and expect others including our spouse to adapt their thinking and behavior to meet our needs. Those differences that we may have been able to overlook in the past may become the very things that we begin to see as “irreconcilable”. When both spouses are living under “stressed” perspective, a common result is a tendency for polarization and distancing rather than a strengthening of closeness and intimacy – turning away from one another instead of turning towards one another.
Marital therapy or couples counseling can offer benefit to couples whose relationship is under stress. And while relationship counseling is commonly initiated by couple’s as a “last resort” intervention; it can be a useful resource for couples who are considering formalization of their union, offering a supportive forum to openly discuss their expectations of one another, explore the principles of healthy relationships, become aware of common pit falls and adopt early strategies which foster esteem and intimacy.
Just as individuals are unique, so too is each couple; and through the use of a counselor couples may be able to develop a clearer understanding of the source of their conflicts and work towards resolution through facilitated discussion. Counselors may be able to assist couple’s in their other aims including: to develop more effective communication skills; to develop a thorough understanding of the other’s “view of the world” which may result in greater mutual acceptance and more tolerance of difference; to develop a greater understanding of both self and other which can help identify which change strategies may yield greater result; to create a supportive learning environment for each other – fostering change rather than commanding it; and to explore, clarify and respectfully express their core values, beliefs, and underlying relationship expectations.
Even if one partner refuses to attend, the other can often benefit from working with a counselor to recognize and understand how their own reactions and responses may be negatively influencing the relationship. When one person takes active responsibility for doing something different within the relationship, it may cause the other person to take notice and respond in turn.
Though marital counseling is commonly seen as an instrument to assist couple’s in rebuilding a deteriorating relationship, it can also be an instrument to assist them in their decision to consider a trial separation. Relationship counseling during this trial period, where spouses may be living independently, has been used effectively to assist the couple to explore and develop a shared understanding of the problems and make well-thought out decisions about what changes each of them may have to make in order for them to move in a positive direction.
Once efforts and hope for reconciliation have been exhausted and the decision to formally separate has been made, counseling sessions may be used to help the couple problem solve the variety of issues that will need to be considered, including when and how to tell the children, understanding the impact of this decision on children and other things they can do to minimize the impact. Individuals may also make use of a counselor to assist them in managing their own emotional response and/or the children’s response to the loss.
If the decision is made to end the relationship the couple may decide to elicit the help of a trained mediator to assist them in creating a formal separation agreement. Mediation is a structured process facilitated by an impartial third party whose sole purpose is to assist the couple in negotiating their own unique arrangement, ultimately one which recognizes and respects the interests of both individuals. While consultation with lawyers is required at certain key points during the process (this is to ensure that the agreement meets all legal standards and will be upheld by the court), hourly rates for mediators are generally lower than that of lawyers, so mediation may be less costly. Successful mediation also avoids costly court processes that can drag on for many years. The use of the mediation process may also increase the likelihood of both parties cooperatively adhering to the agreement reached, given that they have had direct influence in its development, which in the long run can also be significantly more cost efficient. For more information or to talk to a counselor about what options might be useful for you, please feel free to contact us at the office. Six sessions for marital or couple therapy are covered by your EAP which is usually sufficient for most relationship issues. Your counsellor can also advise you on Mediation, and while mediation services usually take longer than six sessions, a good start